How do I know if I'm having an episode?
by Robin Mohilner
Answer the following questions either for yourself
or post your answers and help others:
To Submit:
How are you sleeping?
Do you have a hard time falling asleep?
no- quite the opposite; i find that I am tired all the time, ready to sleep all the time
Do you wake up in the middle of the night and
toss and turn for what feels like forever?
yes- either hypersensitivity to my surroundings, or can't stop the thoughts in my head
Are you tired, but can't sleep?
no
Are you waking up at the early hours of the morning
and can't get back to sleep?
No
How are you taking care of yourself?
Do you eat?
not really... no real interest in food.
How much are you eating?
a muffin in the morning and cup of soup around mid afternoon if I'm up to it
Do you remember to eat?
no- I frequently, genuinely forget to eat
Are you showering?
yes- sometimes several times a day
Do you remember to shower?
yes
Do you forget to go to bed?
no
If you made an important decision right now, what would it be?
to keep focused on my goals, not let stress weigh me down and distract me
If you were to make a decision right now, would it be well thought out?
probably not. I'm famous for hair brained, half-cocked plans
Who would you consult to make a decision?
nobody.
How would you make the decision?
my decision making processes usually consist of weighing how commited
I could really be to the plan/how badly I want whatever,
and barreling single-mindedly at it until I attain whatever end result I set out for. Barring any warning signs that are so blatant a child could notice them,
I follow through as best as I can.
How are you feeling right now?
Lonely, sad, stressed, tired
What are you feeling about yourself and your abilities?
I'm feeling accomplished to have an apartment and be independent at 20 years old,
but doubting how long it will last and my ability to maintain the stability.
What do you believe about yourself?
I believe that I've come a long way and made a lot of mistakes,
but have an incredible level of adaptability and to learn from my mistakes.
I also know that I have time to continue improving and learning.
Do you have any special abilities that are new to you?
not particularly- just learning things about day to day life,
such as how to manage my money more wisely.
Are these thoughts and feelings different from
how you felt last week or a few weeks ago?
Yes.
What do you notice that's different?
I feel signficantly more weighed down than I did a month ago,
despite exerting great amounts of effort into destressing and not stressing unnecessarily, and I find it harder to take care of myself from day to day-
almost a lack of desire to care for myself.
Are you feeling anything?
sheer sadness, and extreme anxiety.
What are your thoughts like?
I try not to think too much so I can avoid depressing myself more. Otherwise, it's just lists of things to do.
What are they about?
When I do try and sit down to think- try to decompress- it's mostly things circling around my two friends who passed away a year ago,
worrying about whether I'll have enough money to move in a few months,
whether I'll be able to continue functioning enough to keep my job,
and whether I can continue to function to some degree and not lose control.
Do you usually think about what you're thinking about?
usually to some degree, as a tempering factor... but it seems to be the only 2 or 3 things going around in my head at all lately.
How are they moving?
they're languid.
If they're moving fast, how fast?
If they're moving slow, how slow?
sluggish.
Do they exist at all?
eh
Are there multiple thoughts occuring at once?
there are several things going on, but not in a pressing manner.
What's it like trying to express yourself?
it's hard to. when I try, I just want to cry.
How's your ability to concentrate?
not awful, but not noteworthy either.
How's your ability to remember?
declining.
How are people responding to what you say?
everything else around me seems normal to the point of boring,
but i feel obnoxiously out of place.
Are you able to have any thoughts?
What are you interested in?
making sure my physical health doesn't continue declining,
moving out of state
Do you have a goal?
moving out of state, going back to school for nursing.
Is your goal something that you can't stop doing?
It's something I've never wanted more desperately in my life. I feel like I'll absolutely crack if it doesn't happen, but it's not something I feel compelled to follow through with-it's a self imposed necessity.
Are you experiencing forms of creativity that are new or different to you?
I've experienced a creative intensity that I've never felt before, but I can't focus it to produce anything satisfying.
What abilities do you notice you have?
I just feel an all around intensity that usually isn't there; almost an urgency. It's as if I don't push as hard as I possibly can, I'll 'drop the ball' so to speak and won't be able to recover.
Talk about your spirituality.
I don't follow any of the recognized organized religions, but believe in a unifying higher power, or energy. There are no coincidences, and there are no species, races, genders, etc that are superior to any others- all are part of a greater whole that would not function without the balance imparted by the existence of each other.
What are you doing with your time?
working. sleeping. trying to make sure I go on social visits once or twice a week so I don't lose touch with friends who are important to me.
Can you wait to do something?
MOVE AWAY.
Do you have to act right now?
as soon as humanly possible. I'd pick up and leave town today
if I weren't so damn tired.
What are you telling yourself will happen if you don't act?
I'll crumble. I can't continue living the way I do, with the people I do, surrounded by the people I am. I've put myself through enough rigor trying to make it where I am currently living for familiarity's sake-
but I just don't have it in me anymore to continue
struggling so much just to stay afloat.
How fast are you driving?
not very. I'm terrified of the road.
How much money are you spending?
more than I should- I'm just barely covering my bills,
but unable to put any significant amount of money away.
What's your desire for sex?
All day, everyday. (I wish) I'm hugely more adventurous which, while fun, I end up regretting- both the people I've slept with and the things I've done.
Are you thinking about death?
not really. I don't care enough.
Are you thinking about hurting people?
no.
Does anything interest you?
working. sleeping.
What are your emotions like?
I feel like a basketcase, but a closetted basketcase. I don't want anyone to know I'm struggling, because of how much I've struggled in recent months. I've finally managed to at least put on a facade of wel-being, and i'm hoping it'll work its way outside in.
Are you able to control when and how you express your feelings?
not always, but usually. Mostly, I just want to cry, but I've suppressed it for so long
that I can't do it on command anymore despite the overwhelming desire,
which in and of itself is enough to make me cry.
When you have an impulse to do or say something,
are you able to not act on it?
'Impulse' isn't really something I have to worry about recently.
Are you feeling multiple emotions at once?
yes.
Are you feeling numb?
on the contrary, I feel hypersensitive; overstimulated almost.
Have you yelled at anyone and wondered how and why that happened?
no.
Have you gotten in fights?
yes.
Do you cry uncontrollably?
I've wanted to, but unable to.
How are you treating the people you care about?
I feel like I just can't keep up. On one hand, I want to ignore everyone, but then I feel guilty about even thinking that about the few people
who I know are truly concerned for me.
Are you self-medicating?
I use caffeine pills once in a while to stay awake for work, but that's it.
Are you drinking more alcohol than usual?
no.
How much alcohol are you drinking?
*maybe* one drink every two weeks.
Are you taking any drugs that are excitatory?
caffeine pills sometimes
Are you smoking marijuana?
no.
Are you taking methamphedamines?
no.
Do you feel in control?
i feel like I'm rapidly losing control, but i'm still fighting for it.
The answers to these questions will make you aware of
vulnerability to an episode and help you identify when you are
having one.
This is to be used for individual purposes only. You must ask for permission for all other uses.
