The Voice of 1 Participant
Talking About Bipolar Disorder
Writing Activity
by Robin Mohilner
This is to be used for individual purposes only.
Thank You, your participation makes a difference in many people's lives.
How does Bipolar Disorder affect how you feel about
yourself and your relationships?
I feel like my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis, and all the symptoms and hell it entails, is a ticking time bomb when it comes to my relationships. I never know who I can trust not to shun me for being up-front about myself, and who won't run away from me if I start cycling and become difficult to understand. As far as myself goes, I have yet to truly come to terms with and 'accept' it as just a part of who I am, and I feel that is reflected in my lack of
willingness to take risks in whom I share this information with.
What contributes to or supports mania and depression in your life?
I am an overachiever by nature, and a very high-strung person. I can easily push myself to super-human limits, and crave those times when I'm accomplishing things at a 'super human' pace, but my body physically and mentally can't handle all of that, I've learned. Plus, it has never been a big feat for me to pull 'all-nighters' to finish what-ever I set out to, which flicks my brain into a manic state if I do it too frequently and am not careful.
I burn out my mind & body very very easily, and crash hard & fast.
If you could see a mania and depression coming, what would you notice?
I've learned that my body needs more sleep than maybe some other people do just to handle an 'average' work load. When I stop needing sleep, and my agression levels skyrocket, I know I need to take a step back and re-evaluate. Likewise, when (and *if*- being the most significant part of that equation) I notice a complete lack of enthusiasm,
which is completely uncharacteristic of me, and the frequency of my panic attacks increases, I know I may be sliding into a depression.
Describe how mania and depression affects your
thoughts and feelings compared to when you feel okay?
Quite simply, the pace changes intensely. Ranging anywhere from frantic and scattered and foolishly determined to lethargic, apathetic, moving at the rate of frozen sludge. I admit almost being 'addicted' to the great sense of
strength, power, and invincibility mania provides- as well as the level of accomplishment. I'm normally a reasonably confident person, but become disappointed easily if I don't accomplish all I've set out for a day or am not satisfied with the quality of the finished product. But because I'm able to accomplish something like 5 times more than I normally can when I'm manic, I equate that with an unabashed sense of pride, arrogance, superiority.. whatever you want to call it. And that's not something I let go of willingly, unfortunately.
When I'm depressed, I go from my normal, incredibly independent self to a blithering child attached to the one or two people I'm comfortable running to when I feel completely lost. I become inseparable from them, almost. Which I despise.
How has mania and depression affected your experience of sexuality?
I'm amused at how text book my answeres really sound, but they're the honest truth. When I've been manic in the past, I absolutely have not made the best choices in sexual partners. I've slept with way more people than I would have-meaning I become almost indescriminate, and have an incredible stamina. I also find that I'm way more adventurous. there are things I've tried during the worst of my manic phases that I never would have the guts to normally; at least without serious coaxing.
While depressed, though I still desire sex to some degree (that is to say my desire's not completely obliterated), it's definitely retarded some and my overall enjoyment suffers.
How is mania and/or depression useful to you?
I hate to think that either really could be useful, but in reality, they are when one learns about their own patterns. Mania simply makes me feel untouchable. BETTER than every one else, and therefore the usual circumstances and remarks
that would bring me down simply ricochet. I also feel like the most beautiful, attractive, successful, desired woman ev-ar, except of course the ones that I may desire- but no one else compares otherwise. My normal human insecurities are put off for a time, which while fake, is satisfying I must admit.
I see depression as an intense, painful healing. While mania is a pot hole someone placed a traffic cone over, despression is the pot hole being slowly filled in with whatever cement or tar mixture to prevent anyone from tripping
or bottoming out her car on. I learn more because of my depressive phases. I learn more slowly, but it sticks with me more and becomes more acceptable than whatever lessons from mania-which are simply segregated and identified in my mind as "GOOD" and "BAD" instead of really intimated and digested.
What do you know now that you wish someone would have told you about Bipolar Disorder when you were diagnosed?
I wish I knew that despite the outwardly similar responses and seemingly universal descriptors, no two people really experience Bipolar Disorder at all similarly. I wish I knew that for a disorder so dependent on medical care as well as behavioral, I wish I knew that ultimately, the person living with Bipolar is the Expert. Never, ever, let familial, fraternal, or other outsiders tell you what is best. Do your research, consider other's advice and opinions, but make the decisions based on yourself and your life.
Most importantly, I know now that I do not *suffer* from or with Bipolar Disorder- not if I don't let myself. It is who I am; I am
LIVING WITH Bipolar Disorder.
Part 2
Send in 3 questions that you'd like to see appear on this list of questions to have answered by your peers.
- Were you able to immediatebly accept medication as part of your treatment plan, or was it something that became necessary over time? Or, if you're not taking meds, how are you managing?
- What sort of obstacles did you face while helping your family cope with your diagnosis?
- What, if any, limitations have you imposed on yourself because of BPD?
